Relational Bullying Resources

Relational Bullying

Submitted by Jackie Schoening, CESA #6, WI Safe & Healthy Schools Center, Regional Coordinator

We have seen a significant increase in the reporting of bullying in recent years.  The latest Youth Risk behavior Survey for Wisconsin shows that 24% of students report having been bullied on school property; 17% repot having been electronically bullied; and 44% of youth report that bullying and harassment are a problem at their school.   This does not take into account the number of students who continue to be bullied in ways that are not always identified as bullying.

Relational bullying (often called social bullying or “girl bullying”) causes considerable psychological pain which can lead to social anxiety, loneliness, depression, and substance abuse. Studies indicate that relational bullying diminish young people’s social interactions, cause them to feel less safe, and sometimes even encourage them to bring a weapon to school. In brief, there are five types of relational bullying:
• 1) Stonewalling: Stonewalling [aka: the silent treatment] is a situation in which one person purposefully ignores another. Example: If two teenagers are angry at another teen, they may choose or agree to ignore the other teen completely and without explanation.
• 2) Exclusion: A single individual may be purposefully excluded from a group of friends or colleagues and essentially cut out from all activities and participation in the group. It differs from the “silent treatment” in that the group makes sure that the excluded individual knows that he or she is not allowed to participate in the group.
• 3) Taunting: Taunting includes disparaging remarks made directly to the individual and continues even when the individual is apparently distressed or depressed.
• 4) Gossip: Bullies will often create and spread rumors about others behind their backs; at times harmful statements are even made within earshot. The goal is to ruin reputations and damage self-image through hearsay and exclusive conversations; the digital age has made this form of relational bullying easier through text messaging and social networking platforms like Facebook and My Space.
• 5) Conditional Friendship: “I’ll only be your friend if…” is used or implied in some way. For example, an individual may not be able to leave a group or must behave in a certain way or expect punishment, ridicule, or gossip for non-compliance.

The inevitable question about any type of bullying is this: Why? Most agree that in relational bullying, the intention is to socially isolate the individual and satisfy needs for power-over, control, and self-worth. The bigger question is what do we do about relational bullying and other forms of bullying? As educators, we cannot help but be committed to ending bullying of all types and for all children; we also witness firsthand the devastating effects of bullying on the children we see in schools, clinics, domestic violence shelters, and other settings.

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT GIRL BULLYING
Bestselling author and girl advocate Rachel Simmons (2010) explains that in the culture of young girls, social norms dictate that conflict cannot be waged directly. While on the surface, this “no sticks or stones” policy can create a desirable level of civility, it is critical for adults to understand that just beneath the seemingly placid surface often lies an unbelievably cruel layer of planned exclusion, whispered gossip, cyber-sent rumors, and hidden hostility that pierce a young girl’s developing psyche. When bullying is disguised as friendship, and friendship is used as a weapon (Whitson, 2011), kids are left feeling confused, frustrated, humiliated and unsure of how to cope. Meanwhile, frenemies remain free and clear to carry out their hidden aggression time and time again.
There is no one single reason to explain why young people bully each other, nor is there a definitive profile of what kind of kid will become a bully, but experts agree that social status is often a prime motivator of this behavior among girls. Girls who are overly concerned with popularity often engage in behaviors in which they try to increase their own social status by publicly putting others down

WHAT ADULTS CAN DO ABOUT RELATIONAL BULLYING
With all of these dynamics in play how can an adult hope to be helpful? The problem seems complicated, yet there are basic steps adults can take to improve a school’s climate, confront relational bullying, and help kids develop specific insights that can change their long-term responses to peers:
The Bystanders:
• According to research by The Bully Project, adults may miss up to 96 percent of the incidents of bullying carried out by kids. Their targets, however, rarely miss it. Kids who are targets know all too well the soul-crushing pain of repeated assaults on their dignity.
• What’s more, studies show that bystanders are either physically present or intellectually aware of the majority of instances of bullying.
• One study by the Response Ability Project (2012) shows that bullying stops within ten seconds, 57% of the time when a child intervenes and confronts a bully. When adults focus efforts on creating a school climate and classroom culture that empowers bystanders to act like heroes to victims of bullying, they send a powerful message that kindness matters and that aggression—whether physical, verbal, or relational—will not be tolerated.

By the early school years, most youngsters have experienced unspoken—but not unsubtle—acts of social aggression that shake the carefully laid foundations of their self-image and beliefs about friendship (Whitson, 2011). Kids benefit from having a supportive network of trustworthy adults who are informed about the nature of relational bullying and open to meaningful dialogue about real friendship. Though lingering social norms may still discourage kids—especially girls—from acknowledging conflict directly, adults can help kids rise above these damaging constraints by teaching them practical skills for expressing anger in constructive ways and giving them new insights to readily recognize incidents of cruelty disguised as friendship. No child should have to find their way through friendship challenges alone.

Relational Aggression & Bullying Resources

  • Beane, Allan L. The Bully Free Classroom: Over 100 Tips and Strategies for Teachers K-8. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 1999. A great collection of tips, worksheets and other resources to use in the classroom.
  • Blanco, Jodee. Please Stop Laughing At Me: One Woman's Inspirational Story. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2003. A publicist who has promoted several best sellers, Blanco was once a troubled child, tormented by her school mates.
  • Bloch, Douglas and Jon Merritt. Positive Self-Talk For Children. New York: Bantam Books, 1993. A guide for parents, teachers and counselors.
  • Canfield, Jack and Harold Wells. 100 Ways To Enhance Self-Concept in the Classroom. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon, 1993. A "how-to" book about developing positive self-esteem.
  • Clarke, Jean Illsley. Time-In: When Time-Out Isn't Working. Parenting Pr., Inc., 1999. Recommended for parents and teachers of young children.
  • Coloroso, Barbara. The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School, How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence. New York: HarperCollins, 2004. A book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying, an aspect of school that the author feels "is a life-and-death issue that we ignore at our children's peril."
  • Dellasega, Cheryl and Charisse Nixon. Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying. New York: Fireside, Simon & Schuster, Inc., 2003. Two experts offer practical and effective solutions that can stop girls from hurting each other with words and actions.
  • Dorn, Michael. Weakfish: Bullying Through the Eyes of a Child. Toronto: Safe Havens International, 2003. Dorn analyzes a complex and pervasive societal problem through compelling storytelling and powerful insights.
  • Drew, Naomi. Learning the Skills of Peacemaking. Rolling Hills Estates, CA: Jalmar Press, 1987. More than 50 lessons to teach children to peacefully resolve conflicts.
  • Edwards, C. Drew. How To Handle a Hard-To-Handle Kid. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 1999. Written by a clinical child psychologist with specific strategies to correct problem behaviors.
  • Evans, Betsy. You Can't Come To My Birthday Party: Conflict Resolution With Young Children. Florence, KY: Thomson Delmar Learning, 2002. A recommended resource for parents and teachers of young children.
  • Froschl, Merle. Quit It! A Teacher's Guide on Teasing and Bullying for Use with Students in Grades K-3. New York: Educational Equity Concepts, Wellsley, MA: Center for Research on Women; Washington, DC: NEA Professional Library, 1998. Lessons, class discussions and more to help children understand the difference between teasing and bullying.
  • Garbarino, James and Ellen deLara. And Words Can Hurt Forever: How To Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence. New York: Free Press, 2002. Cornell University professor Garbarino and therapist deLara interview students, educators, and administrators to probe the issue of bullying in American schools.
  • Garrity, Carla et al. Bully-Proofing Your School: A Comprehensive Approach for Elementary Schools. Longmont, CO: Sopris West, 2000. A team of educators, psychologists and social workers in Colorado have developed this comprehensive program, designed to make the school environment safe for children.
  • Glenn, H. Stephen and Michael L. Brock. 7 Strategies For Developing Capable Students: Responsible, Respectful & Resourceful. Roseville, CA: Prima Lifestyles, 1998. A program approach to help every child succeed in the classroom.
  • Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam, 1995. A book that posits emotional intelligence is absolutely necessary for children's success in life.
  • Greenbaum, Stuart, Brenda Turner and Ronald D. Stephens. Set Straight On Bullies. Malibu, CA: National School Safety Center, Pepperdine University, 1989. Research and statistics about the bullying issue, and what you can do about it.
  • Hamburg, David A. and Beatrix A. Hamburg. Learning To Live Together: Preventing Hatred and Violence in Child and Adolescent Development. New York: Oxford University Press, 2004. The authors focus on the developmental processes by which we can work to diminish ethnocentrism, prejudice and hatred.
  • Hoover, John H. and Ronald Oliver. Bullying Prevention Handbook: A Guide for Principals, Teachers, and Counselors. New York: National Education Service, 1997. A comprehensive tool for understanding, preventing, and reducing the day-to-day teasing and harassment referred to as bullying.
  • Johnson, David W. and Roger T. Johnson. Reducing School Violence Through Conflict Resolution. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, 1995. Focuses on how teachers can help students deal with peer conflicts.
  • Landry, Lois. Child Support Through Small Group Counseling. Charlotte, NC: KIDSRIGHTS, 1996. Features more than 100 topics for counseling sessions, including peer relationship building and aggression.
  • Lantieri, Linda and Janet Patti. Waging Peace In Our Schools. Boston: Beacon Press, 1996. Based on the Resolving Conflict Creatively program.
  • Noddings, Nel. The Challenge to Care in Schools. New York: Teachers College Press, 1992. A call for teachers to nourish all students' emotional growth.
  • Olweus, Dan. Bullying At School: What We Know and What We Can Do. Boston: Blackwell Publishers, 1993. The definitive book on bully/victim problems in school and on effective ways of counteracting and preventing such problems.
  • Paley, Vivian Gussin. You Can't Say You Can't Play. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1992. Recounts Paley's classroom experiment at the University of Chicago Lab School.
  • Peretti, Frank. No More VIctims. Nashville: Word Publishing: 2001. This 64-page call to action is designed as a giveaway to students for them to join in the fight against bullying.
  • Peretti, Frank. The Wounded Spirit. Nashville: Word Publishing, 2000. Peretti has penned his personal journey through pain, disfigurement, and abuse, offering hope for those struggling with emotional wounds.
  • Ross, Dorothea M. Childhood Bullying and Teasing. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association, 1996. Includes strategies and tips for guidance counselors.
  • Sharp, Sonia and Peter K. Smith. Tackling Bullying In Your School. New York: Routledge, 1994. Step-by-step advice on how to develop a schoolwide anti-bullying program.
  • Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. San Diego: Harcourt Books, 2002. Lacking cultural permission to acknowledge conflict, girls develop what Simmons calls "a hidden culture of silent and indirect aggression."
  • Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write About Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy. San Diego: Harcourt Books, 2004. This sequel to the controversial best seller Odd Girl Out compiles pseudonymous accounts of bullying, backstabbing, and other nastiness that girls say they have suffered or perpetrated on other girls.
  • Sprung, Barbara and Merle Froschl with Dr. Blythe Hinitz. The Anti-Bullying and Teasing Book for Preschool Classrooms. Beltsville, MD: Gryphon House, Inc., 2005. A recent release for educators of preschool-age children.
  • Stein, Nan. Bullyproof: A Teacher's Guide on Teasing and Bullying for Use with Fourth & Fifth Grade Students. Wellsley, MA: Center for Research on Women; Washington, DC: NEA Professional Library, 1996. Lessons, writing exercises, role plays and more to explore the issue of teasing and bullying.
  • Thomas, Michael and Catherine O'Neill Grace with Lawrence J. Cohen.Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. New York: Ballantine, 2001. Child therapists explain why much of children's real maturation takes place when they move into the social world of their peers.
  • Wessler, Stephen and William Preble. The Respectful School: How Educators and Students Can Conquer Hate and Harassment. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, 2003. Stephen L. Wessler and contributing author William Preble vividly describe how words can hurt--both emotionally and physically--and how words can heal.
  • Workman, Edward and Alan Katz. Teaching Behavioral Self-Control To Students. Austin, TX: Pro-Ed, 1995. For teachers and counselors of students in grades 4-12.
  • Young, K. Richard, Richard P. West, Deborah J. Smith and Daniel P. Morgan. Teaching Self-Management Strategies To Adolescents. Longmont, CO: Sopris West, 1991. For teachers and counselors of students in grades 6-12.
  • Zins, Joseph, Roger Weissberg, Margaret Wang and Herbert J. Walberg, Editors. Building Academic Success on Social and Emotional Learning: What Does the Research Say?. New York: Teachers College Press, 2004. A scholarly and practical book including a collection of the best ideas, programs and expert advice available in the field of social and emotional learning

Resources About Girls

  • Brown, Lyn. Meeting At the Crossroads: Women's Psychology and Girls' Development. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1999. Looks at issues revolving around femininity, development, and the guidance of teenager girls as they approach womanhood.
  • Brown, Lyn Mikel. Raising Their Voices: The Politics of Girls' Anger. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1998. Examines psychological and sociological research on teen girls.
  • Dodson, Shireen. 100 Books For Girls To Grow On. New York: HarperCollins, 1998. Includes descriptions of inspiring resources for girls.
  • Echevarria, Pegine. For All Our Daughters: How Mentoring Helps Young Women and Girls Master the Art of Growing Up. Worcester, MA: Chandler House Press, 1998. A book emphasizing that for adolescent girls, relationships with adult women other than their mothers can make a significant difference in the transition to womanhood.
  • Ford, Amanda. Be True To Yourself: Daily Meditations for Teenage Girls.Berkeley, CA: Conari Press, 2000. A guide to help girls learn to listen to their inner voices and think for themselves.
  • Glennon, Will. 200 Ways To Raise A Girl's Self Esteem: An Indispensable Guide for Parents, Teachers, and Other Concerned Caregivers. Berkeley, CA: Conari Press, 1999. According to parenting expert Will Glennon, reinforcing a young girl's self-esteem through carefully considered "boosters" is the key to helping girls hold their own in the world.
  •   Hartley-Brewer, Elizabeth. Raising Confident Girls: 100 Tips for Parents and Teachers. Cambridge, MA: Fisher Books, 2001. Tips for parents and teachers to help girls get through confidence crises.
  • Leadbeater, Bonnie J. and Niobe Way (editors). Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities. New York: New York University Press, 1996. Investigates the attitudes of urban girls on various subjects, including identity, relationships, sexuality, etc.
  • Orenstein, Peggy. School Girls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap. New York: Anchor Books, 1995. Following a 1990 poll which found that girls suffer plummeting self-esteem and reduced expectations as they enter adolescence, journalist Orenstein visited two California middle schools to take a more personal look at the statistics.
  • Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York: Random House, 1994. The catalyst for the creation of The Ophelia Project. An examination of our "girl poisoning" culture.
  • Rutledge, Jill Zimmerman. Dealing With The Stuff That Makes Life Tough: The 10 Things That Stress Teen Girls Out and How To Cope With Them. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2004. For girls in grades 8-10; a guide for teen girls that uses quotes from women in history and anecdotal stories of adolescent girls.
  • Underwood, Marion K. Social Aggression Among Girls. New York: Guilford Press, 2003. A critique on much of the current work on social and relational aggression.
     
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